Posted on07 October 2009. Tags: Jokes
You might be a Redneck if …
- A full moon reminds you of your mother-in-law pullin’ weeds.
- A night on the town includes city jail.
- All of your relatives’ cars have “Tag Stolen” signs in the rear window.
- All of your relatives would have to die to wipe out illiteracy.
- All your tupperware is old butter containers.
- All your wall decorations have horns on them.
- All your wedding guests were seated on the same side of the church.
- Any of your children are the result of a conjugal visit.
- Anything outside the Lower 48 is “overseas.”
- At the dog track, you always bet on the dog that “does his business” right before the race starts.
- Counting sheep makes you more aroused than sleepy.
- Coworkers start a petition over your coffee cup.
- Directions to your house include “turn off the paved road.”
- Drying your clothes depends on the weather.
- During your wedding ceremony the minister said, “Do you, DeWayne, take Connie to be your old lady?”
- Every room in your house is a junk room.
- Every workday ends with the same argument about who gets to ride in the cab of the truck.
- Everyone in the house learns something from the potty training videotape.
- For your anniversary you take your wife to dinner at the Wal-Mart snack bar.
- It’s midnight and everyone on your street knows what album you’re playing.
- It takes an entire dumpster to clean out your car.
- Most of your family have appeared on COPS.
- Neither your nor your husband’s job requires you to wear a shirt to work.
- No matter which side of the track you live on, it’s the wrong side.
- Nobody can rebuild an engine like mama.
- None of the tires on your car are the same size.
- On stag night, you take a real deer.
- One of your top concerns is going to the electric chair.
- People are scared to touch your bathrobe.
- People hear your car a long time before they see it.
- Somebody hollers “Hoe Down” and your girlfriend hits the floor.
- Someone asks to see your marriage license and you have to dig through the back floorboard of the G.T.O.
- Someone says that your mother wears army boots and you say, “So?”
- The “Save Naugahyde” protection group chooses your house as a picket site.
- The beer truck delivers door-to-door in your neighborhood.
- The biggest sign on your place of business says “Minnows!”
- The cleaners inform you that they can’t get the sweat stains out.
- The cockroaches left you a note saying, “Clean this place up!”
- The cottage cheese container in your refrigerator holds night crawlers.
- The dishwasher and your wife are one and the same.
- The dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.
- The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
- The hood of your truck is higher than the roof of your house.
- The last thing you read was a syphilis pamphlet at the clinic.
- The liquor store knows you by your first name.
- The man from the power company threatens to cut off your service, and you threaten to cut off something of his in return.
- The morning after your kids’ slumber party, the dogs have fleas.
- The National Guard had to be called out to your last family reunion.
- The oil stain on your driveway looks like the result of a tanker spill.
- The only scales in your bathroom are leftovers from the fish cleaning.
- The original color of your carpet is an unsolved mystery.
- The police regularly come to your house to break up a fight, and you live alone.
- The primary color of your car is Bond-O.
- The quality of your birthday present depends on how mama finishes in the wet t-shirt contest.
- The school principal has your number on speed dial.
- The sound of a siren sends your family running for the woods.
- The strongest smell in your house is butane.
- The tires on your car don’t fit under your fenders.
- There are engine parts on your coffee table.
- There are more than 4 hats in the rear window of your car.
- There are more than five McDonald’s bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
- There is a hot water bottle hanging from your shower curtain.
- There is a puddle in your driveway year-round.
- There is more oil in your baseball cap than in your car.
- There is not room for one more bumper sticker on your car.
- There is the equivalent of 3 large orders of fries scattered on the floorboard of your car.
- Three weeks after the circus, you’re still talking about the elephant’s accident.
- Trick-or-treaters are scared to come to your door.
- Trimming your beard requires lawn equipment.
- Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
- When paying for beer, spare pistol shells fall out of your pocket.
- You’re considered an expert on worm beds.
- You’ve ever backed down an exit ramp.
- You’ve ever been accused of lying through your tooth.
- You’ve ever been arrested for loitering.
- You’ve ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
- You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
- You’ve ever been on television not wearing a shirt.
- You’ve ever borrowed chewing tobacco from your wife.
- You’ve ever committed a crime with a lawn mower.
- You’ve ever eaten out of a minnow bucket.
- You’ve ever freshened up with a Slim Jim.
- You’ve ever given yourself a social disease.
- You’ve ever had hot flashes at a cattle auction.
- You’ve ever had sex while wearing work gloves.
- You’ve ever had to turn your truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
- You’ve ever hit a deer with your car… deliberately.
- You’ve ever hitchhiked naked.
- You’ve ever hollered, “You kids quit playing on that sheet metal.”
- You’ve ever made love on top of a dog house.
- You’ve ever plucked a nose hair with a pair of pliers.
- You’ve ever read the entire Sunday paper sitting in the bathroom.
- You’ve ever rolled your riding lawn mower.
- You’ve ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone who was inside.
- You’ve ever thrown a tailgate party at a tractor pull.
- You’ve ever used a laundromat as a mailing address.
- You’ve ever used panty hose as a coffee filter.
- You’ve ever walked through a drive-thru window.
- You’ve ever watched the game warden through your scope.
- You’ve ever water-skied in your underwear.
- You’ve ever worn camouflage pants to church.
- You’ve never made up your bed.
- You’ve never paid for a haircut.
- You’ve never stayed in a hotel without stealing something.
- You’ve seen Walking Tall more than 50 times.
- You’ve talked to your mama on the C.B., but have never met her in person.
- You’ve totaled every car you’ve owned.
- You always answer the door with a baseball bat in your hand.
- You always use tape to hem your pants.
- You applied for a job while wearing a stocking cap.
- You burn out your clutch in a funeral procession.
- You burn trash in your Sunday clothes.
- You buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.
- You buy lard wholesale.
- You call the operator to get the number for 911.
- You can’t spell your name without looking at your belt.
- You can distinguish between the taste of ‘possum and groundhog, blindfolded.
- You can do a moose mating call from an orifice other than your mouth.
- You can drink beer through your nose.
- You can eat a McDonald’s cheeseburger in one bite.
- You can field dress a deer, but can’t change a diaper.
- You can name the entire cast of The Dukes of Hazzard, but not your congressman.
- You can readily describe the taste of squirrel.
- You can take your bra off while driving.
- You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
- You check your shirt to spell your name.
- You clean your hands daily with gasoline.
- You consider a spotlight hunting equipment.
- You cried the day your son tapped his first keg.
- You develop a 1 to 10 warning system for your intestinal gas attacks.
- You don’t recognize several relatives when they’re sober.
- You drew “horns” on your new bride in your wedding pictures.
- You drive 600 miles to see an image of Elvis that has miraculously appeared in water stains on the ceiling of a trailer.
- You eat a bowl of beans in order to take a bubble bath.
- You fix holes in your truck with duct tape.
- You get homesick watching cops.
- You get your daily requirement of fiber from toothpicks.
- You get your oil changed by your barber.
- You give “chinette” as a wedding present.
- You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
- You go fishing with a generator and copper wire.
- You go to a party and the punch bowl flushes.
- You go to the ear, nose, and throat doctor to have your finger removed.
- You go to your sister’s wedding just to kiss the bride.
- You haul more than U-Haul.
- You have a beer can crusher mounted on the dashboard of your car.
- You have a black eye and a hickey at the same time.
- You have a feed store nightgown.
- You have a Jack Daniels poster in your living room.
- You have a refrigerator just for beer.
- You have a subscription to Hound Dogs Today.
- You have a tennis ball on your truck antenna.
- You have an above ground pool and you fish in it.
- You have eight cars and still have to bum a ride to work.
- You have fake fur on your dashboard.
- You have lots of hubcaps on your house, but none on your cars.
- You have Mason jars filled with stuff the FBI can’t identify.
- You have orange road cones in your living room.
- You have season tickets for the tractor pull.
- You have three first names.
- You have to dress up the kids to go to K-mart.
- You have to honk your horn when pulling into your driveway to keep from killing chickens.
- You have to take the entire day off work to get your teeth cleaned.
- You have to wash your hands before you go to the bathroom.
- You have your own private booth at the Dairy Queen.
- You have your wife check the depth of the water before you drive your truck through it.
- You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
- You keep a pellet gun by the front door.
- You know how to milk a goat.
- You know your daddy’s C.B. handle, but not his real name.
- You leave everything in your will to your mule.
- You list tick removal as a skill on your resume.
- You made a cheat sheet for a hunter safety test.
- You made jewelry out of your gallstones.
- You make wind chimes out of frozen orange juice lids.
- You make your wife ride in the back of the truck so the dog won’t get sick.
- You met your wife through a “personal ad” written on the men’s room wall.
- You missed high school graduation because your kids were sick.
- You move to another state so you can buy beer on Sundays.
- You own a monogrammed minnow bucket.
- You own a pair of knee-high moccasins.
- You own a Waffle House credit card.
- You own all of the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
- You own half of a pick-up truck.
- You panicked when Sears discontinued its catalog.
- You pick your nose in line at the bank.
- You pick your teeth from a catalog.
- You play pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey and get 4 teeth knocked out.
- You practice fishing off your front porch.
- You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them.
- You proudly display a collection of automobile-shaped cologne bottles.
- You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
- You refer to hot sex as relative humidity.
- You refer to your van as “The Love Machine.”
- You regularly answer the question “What have you been doing lately?” with “Partying.”
- You repair your styrofoam cooler with duct tape and bubblegum.
- You rip a loud one and blame your date.
- You run out of beer and your friends go home.
- You sell rabbits out of your car.
- You shave your legs with your husband’s fishing knife.
- You showed up drunk for your D.U.I hearing.
- You stockpile motor oil.
- You stockpile pork & beans.
- You sweep up the rice at the wedding and serve it at the reception.
- You take a spit cup out on the dance floor.
- You think “recycling” means going home from work.
- You think A-1 Sauce tastes great on ‘possum.
- You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
- You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
- You think cow tipping should be an Olympic sport.
- You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
- You think espresso means 8 items or less.
- You think Liberation was that funny-dressed guy who played the piano.
- You think Long John Silver is formal underwear.
- You think Roe vs. Wade deals with boat ownership.
- You think safe sex is a padded headboard.
- You think that safe sex is when the participants are married to each other.
- You think the Battle of the Bulge is an argument between your wife and mother.
- You think the Bud Bowl is real.
- You think the last four words of the National Anthem are “Gentlemen, start your engines!”
- You think the Super Bowl is a top of the line bathroom fixture.
- You think the traffic sign “Merge” is a personal challenge.
- You think the Yellow Pages have something to do with training a puppy.
- You thought Ned Beatty was sexy in Deliverance.
- You trim your beard and find a french fry.
- You use a piece of bread as a napkin.
- You use a screwdriver to open your chewing tobacco.
- You use your daughter’s wedding as an excuse to buy a new shotgun.
- You videotape fishing shows.
- You view duct tape as a long-term investment.
- You wear overalls to save on the cost of shirts and underwear.
- You wear tube socks with a dress.
- You wear tube socks with a dress.
- You went to the gun and knife show more than once in the same weekend.
- You were driving a tractor before you could walk.
- You wet the bed and four other people immediately know it.
- You wore a three-day growth of beard before Don Johnson.
- You wouldn’t dare go anywhere without jumper cables.
- You write off a radiator as a business expense.
- Your and your wife’s family reunion are one and the same.
- Your arms are hairless from checking your knife’s sharpness.
- Your bar tab always equals your paycheck.
- Your belt buckle trips the airport metal detector even when you aren’t at the airport.
- Your best linens have Property of Motel 6 printed on them.
- Your birth announcements included the words “rug rat.”
- Your bowling ball cost more than your college education.
- Your bra size is higher than your S.A.T. score.
- Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
- Your car alarm eats dog food.
- Your car burns more oil than gas.
- Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
- Your car wakes people up when you drive down the street.
- Your chili’s secret ingredient comes from a bait shop.
- Your cigarette lighter is your stove.
- Your class reunion is a keg party in the woods.
- Your clothesline has at least two splices in it.
- Your daddy has ever said, “You kids run down to the dump and see what they left.”
- Your dog drinks from the toilet and you don’t care.
- Your dog goes “oink.”
- Your dog passes gas and you claim it.
- Your family business requires a lookout.
- Your family talks just like professional wrestlers.
- Your favorite cologne is Blue Tick Hound.
- Your first pet was a chicken.
- Your flashlight holds more than four batteries.
- Your grandmother, mother, and wife all have kids the same age.
- Your gun safe is bigger than your refrigerator.
- Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
- Your hood ornament used to be a bowling trophy.
- Your horse can count higher than you.
- Your horse lives in a better place than you do.
- Your hunting dog fetches more beer than birds.
- Your husband chews the same brand of tobacco as your mother-in-law.
- Your idea of a big Saturday night is drinking beer and burning trash.
- Your idea of cleaning house is throwing everything in the back yard.
- Your idea of water conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other Saturday.
- Your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture.
- Your little black book is a string of cocktail napkins.
- Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
- Your local funeral home has a neon sign in the window.
- Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
- Your mounted deer head sports a baseball cap and sunglasses.
- Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.
- Your neighbors refer to a double-wide on a sand mound as “the mansion on the hill.”
- Your new sofa was on a curb in another part of town yesterday.
- Your only trip to the dentist was to get your dentures made.
- Your property has ever been mistaken for a recycling center.
- Your retirement plans include getting your own place.
- Your riding lawn mower has cup holders.
- Your satellite dish has more square footage than your home.
- Your school colors are camouflage.
- Your sex life improved with the invention of 4-wheel drive.
- Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
- Your tooth has a cavity.
- Your toothbrush has been in the family for generations.
- Your truck has ever been the scene of a crime.
- Your truck is insured by Smith & Wesson.
- Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
- Your TV remote control is your son Junior.
- Your Uncle Bob died peeing on an electric fence.
- Your underwear doubles as swimming trunks.
- Your veterinarian is also a taxidermist.
- Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes three relatives to figure out how to fix it.
- Your wife’s arms got so big from pushing your car.
- Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.
- Your wife answers to “Cuz.”
- Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
- Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath.”
- Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.