You might be a Redneck if …

• A full moon reminds you of your mother-in-law pullin’ weeds.
• A night on the town includes city jail.
• All of your relatives’ cars have “Tag Stolen” signs in the rear window.
• All of your relatives would have to die to wipe out illiteracy.
• All your tupperware is old butter containers.
• All your wall decorations have horns on them.
• All your wedding guests were seated on the same side of the church.
• Any of your children are the result of a conjugal visit.
• Anything outside the Lower 48 is “overseas.”
• At the dog track, you always bet on the dog that “does his business” right before the race starts.
• Counting sheep makes you more aroused than sleepy.
• Coworkers start a petition over your coffee cup.
• Directions to your house include “turn off the paved road.”
• Drying your clothes depends on the weather.
• During your wedding ceremony the minister said, “Do you, DeWayne, take Connie to be your old lady?”
• Every room in your house is a junk room.
• Every workday ends with the same argument about who gets to ride in the cab of the truck.
• Everyone in the house learns something from the potty training videotape.
• For your anniversary you take your wife to dinner at the Wal-Mart snack bar.
• It’s midnight and everyone on your street knows what album you’re playing.
• It takes an entire dumpster to clean out your car.
• Most of your family have appeared on COPS.
• Neither your nor your husband’s job requires you to wear a shirt to work.
• No matter which side of the track you live on, it’s the wrong side.
• Nobody can rebuild an engine like mama.
• None of the tires on your car are the same size.
• On stag night, you take a real deer.
• One of your top concerns is going to the electric chair.
• People are scared to touch your bathrobe.
• People hear your car a long time before they see it.
• Somebody hollers “Hoe Down” and your girlfriend hits the floor.
• Someone asks to see your marriage license and you have to dig through the back floorboard of the G.T.O.
• Someone says that your mother wears army boots and you say, “So?”
• The “Save Naugahyde” protection group chooses your house as a picket site.
• The beer truck delivers door-to-door in your neighborhood.
• The biggest sign on your place of business says “Minnows!”
• The cleaners inform you that they can’t get the sweat stains out.
• The cockroaches left you a note saying, “Clean this place up!”
• The cottage cheese container in your refrigerator holds night crawlers.
• The dishwasher and your wife are one and the same.
• The dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.
• The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
• The hood of your truck is higher than the roof of your house.
• The last thing you read was a syphilis pamphlet at the clinic.
• The liquor store knows you by your first name.
• The man from the power company threatens to cut off your service, and you threaten to cut off something of his in return.
• The morning after your kids’ slumber party, the dogs have fleas.
• The National Guard had to be called out to your last family reunion.
• The oil stain on your driveway looks like the result of a tanker spill.
• The only scales in your bathroom are leftovers from the fish cleaning.
• The original color of your carpet is an unsolved mystery.
• The police regularly come to your house to break up a fight, and you live alone.
• The primary color of your car is Bond-O.
• The quality of your birthday present depends on how mama finishes in the wet t-shirt contest.
• The school principal has your number on speed dial.
• The sound of a siren sends your family running for the woods.
• The strongest smell in your house is butane.
• The tires on your car don’t fit under your fenders.
• There are engine parts on your coffee table.
• There are more than 4 hats in the rear window of your car.
• There are more than five McDonald’s bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
• There is a hot water bottle hanging from your shower curtain.
• There is a puddle in your driveway year-round.
• There is more oil in your baseball cap than in your car.
• There is not room for one more bumper sticker on your car.
• There is the equivalent of 3 large orders of fries scattered on the floorboard of your car.
• Three weeks after the circus, you’re still talking about the elephant’s accident.
• Trick-or-treaters are scared to come to your door.
• Trimming your beard requires lawn equipment.
• Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
• When paying for beer, spare pistol shells fall out of your pocket.
• You’re considered an expert on worm beds.
• You’ve ever backed down an exit ramp.
• You’ve ever been accused of lying through your tooth.
• You’ve ever been arrested for loitering.
• You’ve ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
• You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
• You’ve ever been on television not wearing a shirt.
• You’ve ever borrowed chewing tobacco from your wife.
• You’ve ever committed a crime with a lawn mower.
• You’ve ever eaten out of a minnow bucket.
• You’ve ever freshened up with a Slim Jim.
• You’ve ever given yourself a social disease.
• You’ve ever had hot flashes at a cattle auction.
• You’ve ever had sex while wearing work gloves.
• You’ve ever had to turn your truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
• You’ve ever hit a deer with your car… deliberately.
• You’ve ever hitchhiked naked.
• You’ve ever hollered, “You kids quit playing on that sheet metal.”
• You’ve ever made love on top of a dog house.
• You’ve ever plucked a nose hair with a pair of pliers.
• You’ve ever read the entire Sunday paper sitting in the bathroom.
• You’ve ever rolled your riding lawn mower.
• You’ve ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone who was inside.
• You’ve ever thrown a tailgate party at a tractor pull.
• You’ve ever used a laundromat as a mailing address.
• You’ve ever used panty hose as a coffee filter.
• You’ve ever walked through a drive-thru window.
• You’ve ever watched the game warden through your scope.
• You’ve ever water-skied in your underwear.
• You’ve ever worn camouflage pants to church.
• You’ve never made up your bed.
• You’ve never paid for a haircut.
• You’ve never stayed in a hotel without stealing something.
• You’ve seen Walking Tall more than 50 times.
• You’ve talked to your mama on the C.B., but have never met her in person.
• You’ve totaled every car you’ve owned.
• You always answer the door with a baseball bat in your hand.
• You always use tape to hem your pants.
• You applied for a job while wearing a stocking cap.
• You burn out your clutch in a funeral procession.
• You burn trash in your Sunday clothes.
• You buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.
• You buy lard wholesale.
• You call the operator to get the number for 911.
• You can’t spell your name without looking at your belt.
• You can distinguish between the taste of ‘possum and groundhog, blindfolded.
• You can do a moose mating call from an orifice other than your mouth.
• You can drink beer through your nose.
• You can eat a McDonald’s cheeseburger in one bite.
• You can field dress a deer, but can’t change a diaper.
• You can name the entire cast of The Dukes of Hazzard, but not your congressman.
• You can readily describe the taste of squirrel.
• You can take your bra off while driving.
• You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
• You check your shirt to spell your name.
• You clean your hands daily with gasoline.
• You consider a spotlight hunting equipment.
• You cried the day your son tapped his first keg.
• You develop a 1 to 10 warning system for your intestinal gas attacks.
• You don’t recognize several relatives when they’re sober.
• You drew “horns” on your new bride in your wedding pictures.
• You drive 600 miles to see an image of Elvis that has miraculously appeared in water stains on the ceiling of a trailer.
• You eat a bowl of beans in order to take a bubble bath.
• You fix holes in your truck with duct tape.
• You get homesick watching cops.
• You get your daily requirement of fiber from toothpicks.
• You get your oil changed by your barber.
• You give “chinette” as a wedding present.
• You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
• You go fishing with a generator and copper wire.
• You go to a party and the punch bowl flushes.
• You go to the ear, nose, and throat doctor to have your finger removed.
• You go to your sister’s wedding just to kiss the bride.
• You haul more than U-Haul.
• You have a beer can crusher mounted on the dashboard of your car.
• You have a black eye and a hickey at the same time.
• You have a feed store nightgown.
• You have a Jack Daniels poster in your living room.
• You have a refrigerator just for beer.
• You have a subscription to Hound Dogs Today.
• You have a tennis ball on your truck antenna.
• You have an above ground pool and you fish in it.
• You have eight cars and still have to bum a ride to work.
• You have fake fur on your dashboard.
• You have lots of hubcaps on your house, but none on your cars.
• You have Mason jars filled with stuff the FBI can’t identify.
• You have orange road cones in your living room.
• You have season tickets for the tractor pull.
• You have three first names.
• You have to dress up the kids to go to K-mart.
• You have to honk your horn when pulling into your driveway to keep from killing chickens.
• You have to take the entire day off work to get your teeth cleaned.
• You have to wash your hands before you go to the bathroom.
• You have your own private booth at the Dairy Queen.
• You have your wife check the depth of the water before you drive your truck through it.
• You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
• You keep a pellet gun by the front door.
• You know how to milk a goat.
• You know your daddy’s C.B. handle, but not his real name.
• You leave everything in your will to your mule.
• You list tick removal as a skill on your resume.
• You made a cheat sheet for a hunter safety test.
• You made jewelry out of your gallstones.
• You make wind chimes out of frozen orange juice lids.
• You make your wife ride in the back of the truck so the dog won’t get sick.
• You met your wife through a “personal ad” written on the men’s room wall.
• You missed high school graduation because your kids were sick.
• You move to another state so you can buy beer on Sundays.
• You own a monogrammed minnow bucket.
• You own a pair of knee-high moccasins.
• You own a Waffle House credit card.
• You own all of the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
• You own half of a pick-up truck.
• You panicked when Sears discontinued its catalog.
• You pick your nose in line at the bank.
• You pick your teeth from a catalog.
• You play pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey and get 4 teeth knocked out.
• You practice fishing off your front porch.
• You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them.
• You proudly display a collection of automobile-shaped cologne bottles.
• You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
• You refer to hot sex as relative humidity.
• You refer to your van as “The Love Machine.”
• You regularly answer the question “What have you been doing lately?” with “Partying.”
• You repair your styrofoam cooler with duct tape and bubblegum.
• You rip a loud one and blame your date.
• You run out of beer and your friends go home.
• You sell rabbits out of your car.
• You shave your legs with your husband’s fishing knife.
• You showed up drunk for your D.U.I hearing.
• You stockpile motor oil.
• You stockpile pork & beans.
• You sweep up the rice at the wedding and serve it at the reception.
• You take a spit cup out on the dance floor.
• You think “recycling” means going home from work.
• You think A-1 Sauce tastes great on ‘possum.
• You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
• You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
• You think cow tipping should be an Olympic sport.
• You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
• You think espresso means 8 items or less.
• You think Liberation was that funny-dressed guy who played the piano.
• You think Long John Silver is formal underwear.
• You think Roe vs. Wade deals with boat ownership.
• You think safe sex is a padded headboard.
• You think that safe sex is when the participants are married to each other.
• You think the Battle of the Bulge is an argument between your wife and mother.
• You think the Bud Bowl is real.
• You think the last four words of the National Anthem are “Gentlemen, start your engines!”
• You think the Super Bowl is a top of the line bathroom fixture.
• You think the traffic sign “Merge” is a personal challenge.
• You think the Yellow Pages have something to do with training a puppy.
• You thought Ned Beatty was sexy in Deliverance.
• You trim your beard and find a french fry.
• You use a piece of bread as a napkin.
• You use a screwdriver to open your chewing tobacco.
• You use your daughter’s wedding as an excuse to buy a new shotgun.
• You videotape fishing shows.
• You view duct tape as a long-term investment.
• You wear overalls to save on the cost of shirts and underwear.
• You wear tube socks with a dress.
• You wear tube socks with a dress.
• You went to the gun and knife show more than once in the same weekend.
• You were driving a tractor before you could walk.
• You wet the bed and four other people immediately know it.
• You wore a three-day growth of beard before Don Johnson.
• You wouldn’t dare go anywhere without jumper cables.
• You write off a radiator as a business expense.
• Your and your wife’s family reunion are one and the same.
• Your arms are hairless from checking your knife’s sharpness.
• Your bar tab always equals your paycheck.
• Your belt buckle trips the airport metal detector even when you aren’t at the airport.
• Your best linens have Property of Motel 6 printed on them.
• Your birth announcements included the words “rug rat.”
• Your bowling ball cost more than your college education.
• Your bra size is higher than your S.A.T. score.
• Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
• Your car alarm eats dog food.
• Your car burns more oil than gas.
• Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
• Your car wakes people up when you drive down the street.
• Your chili’s secret ingredient comes from a bait shop.
• Your cigarette lighter is your stove.
• Your class reunion is a keg party in the woods.
• Your clothesline has at least two splices in it.
• Your daddy has ever said, “You kids run down to the dump and see what they left.”
• Your dog drinks from the toilet and you don’t care.
• Your dog goes “oink.”
• Your dog passes gas and you claim it.
• Your family business requires a lookout.
• Your family talks just like professional wrestlers.
• Your favorite cologne is Blue Tick Hound.
• Your first pet was a chicken.
• Your flashlight holds more than four batteries.
• Your grandmother, mother, and wife all have kids the same age.
• Your gun safe is bigger than your refrigerator.
• Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
• Your hood ornament used to be a bowling trophy.
• Your horse can count higher than you.
• Your horse lives in a better place than you do.
• Your hunting dog fetches more beer than birds.
• Your husband chews the same brand of tobacco as your mother-in-law.
• Your idea of a big Saturday night is drinking beer and burning trash.
• Your idea of cleaning house is throwing everything in the back yard.
• Your idea of water conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other Saturday.
• Your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture.
• Your little black book is a string of cocktail napkins.
• Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
• Your local funeral home has a neon sign in the window.
• Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
• Your mounted deer head sports a baseball cap and sunglasses.
• Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.
• Your neighbors refer to a double-wide on a sand mound as “the mansion on the hill.”
• Your new sofa was on a curb in another part of town yesterday.
• Your only trip to the dentist was to get your dentures made.
• Your property has ever been mistaken for a recycling center.
• Your retirement plans include getting your own place.
• Your riding lawn mower has cup holders.
• Your satellite dish has more square footage than your home.
• Your school colors are camouflage.
• Your sex life improved with the invention of 4-wheel drive.
• Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
• Your tooth has a cavity.
• Your toothbrush has been in the family for generations.
• Your truck has ever been the scene of a crime.
• Your truck is insured by Smith & Wesson.
• Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
• Your TV remote control is your son Junior.
• Your Uncle Bob died peeing on an electric fence.
• Your underwear doubles as swimming trunks.
• Your veterinarian is also a taxidermist.
• Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes three relatives to figure out how to fix it.
• Your wife’s arms got so big from pushing your car.
• Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.
• Your wife answers to “Cuz.”
• Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
• Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath.”
• Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.