Archive | Jokes

Top 15 Redneck Songs

  1. If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
  2. If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me
  3. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away’
  4. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well
  5. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better
  6. I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight ‘Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win
  7. I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight
  8. I’m So Miserable Without You It’s Like Having You Here
  9. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To I’d Be Out Of Prison By Now
  10. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
  11. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
  12. You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
  13. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
  14. She’s Looking Better After Every Beer
  15. I Haven’t Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, but I’ve Sure As Hell Woke Up With A Few.

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Redneck Valentines

  • Kudzu is green, my dog’s name is Blue
    And I’m so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
  • Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flapping in the breeze.
    Softer than Blue’s and without all them fleas.
  • You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
    You ain’t got no scales, but I luv you anyway.
  • You’re as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin’ in the pan.
    Yo’re as fragrant as SunDrop right out of the can.
  • You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud;
    I hold my head high when we’re in a crowd.
  • On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits,
    Well, I’m in hawg heaven, I’m plumb outta my wits.
  • And speakin’ of wits, you’ve got plenty fer shore.
    ‘Cuz you married me back in ’74.
  • Still them fellers at work they all want to know,
    What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.
  • Like a good roll of duct tape, yo’re there fer yore man,
    To patch up life’s troubles and stick ‘em in the can.
  • Yo’re as strong as a four-wheeler racin’ through the mud,
    Yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd.
  • Yo’re as cute as a junebug a-buzzin’ overhead.
    You ain’t mean like no far ant upon which I oft’ tread.
  • Cut from the best pattern like a flannel shirt of plaid,
    You sparked up my life like a Rattletrap shad.
  • When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
    My life is complete; Ain’t nuttin’ I lack.
  • Yore complexion, it’s perfection, like the best vinyl sidin’.
    Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin’.
  • And when you get old like a ’57 Chevy,
    Won’t put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy.
  • Me ‘n’ you’s like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank,
    We go together like a skunk goes with stank.
  • Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine’s Day;
    They git it at Wal-Mart; It’s romantic that way.
  • Some men git roses on that special day,
    From the cooler at Kroger. ‘That’s impressive,’ I say.
  • Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
    ‘Diamonds are forever,’ they explain, suave and couth.
  • But for this man, honey, these will not do.
    For you are too special, you sweet thang you.
  • I got you a gift, without taste nor odour,
    Better than diamonds, it’s a new trollin’ motor.

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